ASK VICKI: Q. I have not dated in several months.

Q. I have not dated in several months. One of the reasons is I am scared to death about what I could find. I did not choose well before and I have friends who missed the mark too. Could you give me more information on “How to spot a narcissist” because my radar needs more training. —- Diane

A. Spotting the narcissist and quickly retreating takes experience, education and more experience and education.
A friend of mine who is a psychology professor explains it like this: Narcissists often have a demonstrable lack of emotional development, stemming from their missing interest in the concerns of others. This explains their childlike responses to matters that require nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics, and their tendency to objectify and use others as tools.
There is NO WAY you can have a healthy relationship with a narcissist. It just isn’t possible.
If you meet a narcissist look for some of the following behavior dynamics:
–monopolizing the conversation……it is all about them.
–never or rarely asking you questions about yourself or showing little interest when you answer.
–showing too much interest in other women while you are with them, then minimizing it or making you look stupid if you point it out.
–extreme jealousy…….your behavior is highly scrutinized (remember these men are highly insecure and immature in relationships)
–they lie very easily.
–its never their fault……never!!! Don’t wait around for them to apologize. If they do it may be to neutralize the situation and restore their reality.
–your gut goes crazy…..even if you do not have a lot of knowledge about narcissists, you have gut feelings when something is not right. DO NOT IGNORE THIS FEELING!!!
A very good and healthy rule for dating should look like this: Start (and proceed) very slowly. When you are with your date, really listen to what he is verbally saying, what his body language is saying. Notice if you ever get that griping gut feeling. These personalities are the master manipulators, it may take several dates before you decide if you want to continue dating. Another helpful tip is to talk to your trusted friends about your new guy. Maybe introduce him to a friend. See what vibe they get.
Keep this handy:
The Narcissist”s Prayer
That didn’t happen.
And if it did happen, it wasn’t that bad.
If it was that bad, it’s not my fault.
And if it was my fault, I didn’t mean to do it.
And if I did mean to do it, you deserved it.

Vicki L Mayfield, M.Ed., R.N., LMFT Marriage and Family Therapy Oklahoma City

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