Q. My boyfriend recently broke up with me after four years. I hate to say it but I would go back with him even though he was often disrespectful and verbally abusive. I do not want to be alone at 27. What does this say about me?
A. There is an interesting phenomenon in relationships, an oxymoron of sorts. Relationship does not always equate with togetherness and closeness, or love and respect. Relationship can mean disrespect and disconnect, power and control. To be in a relationship does not guarantee the connection that most people desire.
It is interesting to note that you would choose getting back together (to avoid loneliness) and subject yourself to verbal abuse and disrespect than be without a partner.
Whenever we NEED someone who is BAD for us, it is usually time for some self discovery. It is very CODEPENDENT to NEED someone or something that creates harm to our well being. We suffer a disconnect within ourselves when this is how we live.
Really think about what you are saying, “Maltreatment is better than no treatment.” Challenge the authenticity of that belief. If you were alone in your home, reading or watching TV or visiting with friends and no one was abusing you, wouldn’t that be a win/win evening?
In the book, “The Four Agreements” the author Don Miguel Ruiz says it like this, “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift when they walk away from you.” It really is a gift.
Now you need to be calm enough, long enough to detox from this man. You really don’t need to be in an abusive relationship to avoid loneliness. I think exploring the belief you hold about relationships, love, respect and abuse could use some work. Needless to say your self respect and self love are in jeopardy.
Some of the saddest people I have seen have been married people who are miserable and lonely.
When you have someone sitting on the sofa with you but there is no intimate connection (and I am not speaking of sex) you have someone with you but a stranger could be sitting there with you and you might find something to talk about.
Wife was complaining on me being “long waker”… This actually hurts, like for real! I asked her many times to suck it (handjobs do not work well for me), but she always says she will vomit. Well, i found out here viagragener.com a great deal, ordered the pills, and showed her who is the daddy. Totally love it, each time as if I was 18 again.
So Katie, before you take him back and go round 2 in this relationship, please do something for yourself first. Go to a 12 step Codependency group (CODA), read a book about self esteem, sit on your patio and journal your thoughts and feelings. You are worth more than an abusive relationship.
Vicki L Mayfield, M.Ed., R.N., LMFT Marriage and Family Therapy Oklahoma City
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